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Archive for November, 2010

Her eyebrows raise quietly. “A law degree?” The question is barely polite. “And what do you want to do with that?” I don’t remember how I answered. The response it ought to have been, though it wasn’t, is “WHATEVER I WANT.”

Sometimes I just wish that people would understand things the way I understand them, would assign the same significance to the kinds of relationships and responsibilities that I take to be the most fundamental components of communities.  Hillsdale is, of course, a major exception, as evidenced by an awesome class I had this afternoon.

Today, my professor (who also happens to be the president of the College) described his wife, prefacing his remarks with, “I tell this to people all the time, and I love saying it.” He stated as a matter of fact that he depends on this woman and the huge job she does in order to hold his life together at home, because, he explained, “otherwise that whole thing would be a mess, and then what would I be good for?” He understands these Aristotelian hierarchies of communities that start with our most basic needs as “necessitous creatures” and the fact that they’re met at home. That is to say, he understands that, before he can take the time to engage in the highest activities of politics and statesmanship and friendship and so on, he must cooperate with his wife. I don’t mean cooperate in the sense of merely acquiescing to her, but in the truest sense of the word: he must align the his activities so that the two of them work together.

The assumption implicit in all of this is that there is something worth working together on. Because, let’s face it: humans are, as Dr. Arnn likes to say, “stubborn cusses.” We are powerful, and we know it. So to agree to combine efforts with another person necessarily implies a considerable degree of frustration and compromise – and that both parties have a very important end in mind, and that this end is valuable to them. They understand the thing they’re after and that they must work together in order to achieve it. They also understand what is meant by “work.” Most importantly, they understand what it means to have given their word to work together. And they understand because they used words to share ideas and communicate their dreams and intentions before they began, and then they gave these words to each other.

At this point, Dr. Arnn would cite Aristotle’s assertion that the human capacity for speech means we are moral beings. Common nouns allow us to make comparisons between things, setting standards for not only quality but behavior. The goodness and the being of the thing are connected, et cetera. But I want to loop Wendell Berry in on this discussion, too. He calls for precision in language and fidelity to words spoken, observing the contribution of clear speech and kept promises to healthy communities. Trust plays a major unspoken role in all of these discussions – one that I’m surprised never came up in our course. But the conclusion I feel inevitably led to by both the class and by Berry is that trust is a hard thing to get to anymore. I have to wonder, though, how much of that is due to the fact that we don’t understand each other when we talk, because of technical jargon, cultural barriers, or innuendo … Three hundred million people with a million English words in common, used to construct perhaps as many different languages.

If this is the case, there doesn’t seem to be a readily apparent way to fix it.

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A tired train sighs discontentedly somewhere out in the night as I gulp down grateful breaths of ice air and dream about my cherry orchard – the one I imagine myself buying, somewhere up in Northern Michigan. Memories of Grand Marais sweep through my mind like dune sands thrown by Lake Superior winds as I walk and imagine the tiny house and its big front porch. I plant a mental garden and watch its hot fragrances blossom into dreams of nature and nurture in this place I hope to find.  It’s an adventure and a homecoming, all wrapped into one.

My ideas about place have been worried by my exposure to two new stories – The Blind Side and Eat, Pray, Love – movies I watched over Thanksgiving weekend. Both of these films featured strong women played by actresses I love, and left me with a lot of food for thought. The Blind Side, actually, has more to do with my own personal and spiritual development, so I’ll just focus on the other.

Eat, Pray, Love was so bad for me. I basically just wanted to drop everything and run to the airport. A year traveling Italy, India and Bali? How exciting and inspiring and exotic. Though I probably would have spent my time doing different things than the protagonist did, I still found myself thirsting for the experience – for the sense of the place. So I felt really torn when I stood up after the movie concluded on the idea that family is the most important thing and returned to the Wendell Berry book I’d put down just before the movie started. The pages in my hand felt vanilla. His descriptions of a tiny family farm, bland. The predictable lines of apathetic print simply couldn’t compare with the bright visual feast I’d watched Julia Roberts’ character consume with such appetite.

Still, our new pastor’s warning stuck with me: “Great deeds come at great costs.” And the things this woman had given up in order to travel were pretty significant. Family, as she learned and I already knew, is ultimately the most important thing. And I love, love, LOVE my state. Michigan is home and always will be. Still, I crave colors and crowds and bright foreign landscapes even as I question my motives for doing so. These things, after all, were precisely those that drove me out of DC. So perhaps I need to learn to be happy where I am, with what I am doing – to breathe color of my and God’s own making into them, rather than import it. After all, so many beautiful people have led devastatingly meaningful lives without ever traveling more than 50 miles from home. I must try to emulate their modesty.

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Cozy in my mother’s blanket, I tuck into a chair with Wendell Berry’s essays burning in my hands. The brilliance of the light blaring through the window distracts me from the dull ache of anticipation, but only for a moment. Warm under the memory of hot color dropping through the stained glass and across my face during Mass this morning, I turn thirstily to this poet’s gorgeous prose.

This is what the inside of his head must look like.

I wish I could describe my place with as much precision as does Berry. He draws the goodness out and makes it presentable, somehow without leaving sentimental fingerprints all over it.

He also reminds me to surround myself in simplicity, to slow down, to confront myself every now and again.

It’s a good thing Thanksgiving break is here. I need to retreat, to immerse myself in those concentric circles where I began, to nourish my mind with Northern Michigan and my body with good, clean cold and Mom’s cooking.

Time to re-read Walden.

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You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever looked at. It surprises me every single time you’re around, how gorgeous you are – even though that’s pretty often. You look like something out of that copy of Vogue magazine that Dr. VonSydow assigned as our Politics of Fashion textbook, except  that there is something hard and cold and clean about you, and it sets you a world away from the people luxuriating on those slick and silty pages. I think I might be able to capture it if I tried, but then the idea of freezing you into a photo seems impossible and even a little irreverent. God made you for motion.

And here I’d like to qualify, to tell you that by these things I mean nothing at all beyond what I say. I do not mean that I love you. Some artists know how to appreciate the human form without adoring the soul that animates it … and I am not talking about your soul. I ought rather have directed this entire monologue to God, because I mean only to praise the good work He did in crafting your features.

I simply mean that you are handsome, that God has blessed you with a strong face that speak of permanence, with a big smile that reminds me of Lake Superior winds, that your eyes are thoughtful and that your expressions are striking. In describing you, I do not claim to know you. In looking at you, I do not pretend to understand you.

This is different, dear readers, than loving someone. Let me show you, let me name a few of the people that I love with a fierce devotion. There’s a girl with silky black hair whose mind matches my own, a bright-blue-eyed beauty with words like comfort, the  two treasures with whom I live, my blood sister, my sassy law school buddy, my philosopher brother, my “twin” brother, a world traveler who loves me back, a brazen musician who doesn’t. The subject of my first-ever photo shoot, a few new ones who sing me country songs, a brilliant poet, the girl who hears me, and a guy who listened twice. The gift-giver, a singer, the little sister, and the Thinker. There’s a kind one and his sarcastic friend, a generous cynic and that person from that thing I did that one time. (And I haven’t even gotten started on my family yet.)

I don’t often pause to look at these people, because I spend so much time seeing them. And they, they are those with whom I am enamored.

It’s an interesting exercise, to compare looking with seeing.

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There’s a place in a house near some trees way Up North that makes a good starting point. It’s a good place to start when you come looking for me, I mean. It’s  like your best adventure – no clarity, only clues that draw you on and on. A shiny, gorgeous treasure map glued down under our feet, spread quite thin in a layer of durable linoleum. Plain, serviceable, mysterious. Memorable. Layers of love have settled into it, compacted tight by a dozen dozen holidays’ downward pressure. It’s where we keep our habits. We set them down and walk on them, forcing them down level where they support us all the day long. Old prayers and whisps of past head-butting gather lightly in corners until the day they’re lighted up, searched out and swept away. Days when this happens are good days. They tend to be the days that come just before really good days. There’s a long crack near the fridge that flows like the continuity of culture and memory – a steady stream of awesome flowing down from generations spent in one space. A few tiny dents mark the first steps of my first high heels. A whole story spreads literally at your feet. Look up, around, and in my eyes – then look down.

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What is it REALLY?!

I watch Casey double over in laughter again before she bobs upright, reminding me of the way a bouy punches through the surface of the water to bounce cheerfully against the air. Jessica falls back against the wall, eyes squinched shut in quasi-hysterics as Casey gears up to make the impression again. Pressing her limbs tightly to her body, she tips up on the balls of her feet and gestures with quick, stiff motions. “What is it really?!” She rasps, impersonating a professor. “What is it really?! What is it REALLY?!” Moments later both roommates have bundled into my bed, chattering happily as we settle in for a Scripture reading and sweet dreams.

Casey’s impression always makes me laugh – she’s so incredibly cute. But lately I’ve been asking the same question – though in a totally different context – and it’s driving. Me. Crazy.

What is art?

I know, I know – how pretentious. How Hillsdalean. But, seriously, guys … we’ve defined the living daylights out of Good, True, Beautiful, Prudence, Statesmanship, Politics. Can somebody please help me out on this one? Art is everywhere, but I have no idea what it IS.

Someone told me that art is simply any product of human creativity.  So the mini-sketches in the margins of my notebooks are art, and so is the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, then, right?  Impossible – because then when we went to categorize art in terms of its goodness, we’d have to say that better art is more CREATIVE art. And the quickest way to get more creative is to simply paint, draw, write in greater quantity. And I’m pretty sure you can’t apply the Labor Theory of Value to art.

What about computer-generated art? Is that art? I absolutely believe that one of my photos is less a work of art than a sketch or a painting. But isn’t “good” art supposed to be that art which is closest to life? So photos, then, are the best art … but if that’s the case, then why is Ansel Adams’ work known the world over if it’s just pictures of trees and stuff? My photos aren’t any less life-like than his – we both use machines to capture images with precision. So is art just a matter of proportions and angles? Is art MATH?

I’ve been stewing on this for weeks now, and I’m only more confused. I suppose it doesn’t help that I’ve never taken an art class in my life and have quite literally zero knowledge of the subject.

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Stale warmth and fluorescent light stagnate in the stairwell as I thump hurriedly down six flights – down from the President’s perch and into the fresh bite of fall. Send me on an errand so that I may do something … so that I may MOVE.

I’m not so much into fashion … but I love a big bag with lots of pockets. And shoes – sturdy shoes. These are critical to my adventures. They’re the last two things I grab before tossing a scarf around my neck,  blowing kisses to my roommates, and slamming the door. It’s the feeling of setting off, prepared, that energizes me. Self-contained, needing no more than I can comfortably carry on my person and in my soul, I am independent. God shines down and lights the world as I stride over it, eschewing computers and cubicles as best I can. It’s the brightness of real space that intrigues and invigorates me. Pixellated inspiration simply doesn’t cut it.

Today I’m looking for pretty paper … the way I go through Post-Its is frightening. I’m a list-er and a scheduler. And I’m also highly single-minded and prone to forget things. Post-Its are critical to the maintenance of my sanity. So I’m thinking that as long as they’re going to be sticking everywhere, they may as well be aesthetically pleasing. Bright pink and neon green are so obnoxious. So the hunt is on for a burnt-orange Post-It. Or a nice shade of sage ….

These are from this week:

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